46
The Tragedy
of Divorce
Eph.
5:31
For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
We take
one last look at this wonderful verse. As we saw in our last chapter, the Greek
word translated joined (proskollaō) means “to glue or cement
together.” This is God’s design and desire for every marriage, that two people
become one person and stay that way for life. To sever the one person is like
cutting one’s body in half. Well, this severing of the one person is exactly
what happens to almost one in two marriages today. This severing is called divorce.
A little research on this is enlightening and truly saddening. Looking at it on a per capita or percentage basis, the U.S. divorce rate for the year 2000 was 41% per capita per year, according to the National Center for Health Statistics. This is made even more significant, however, by the fact that this rate is only for the states that keep track of the number of divorces—at that time California, Colorado, Indiana and Louisiana did not. In contrast to this rate, the Census Bureau consistently reports that the rate is closer to 50%.
Looking at the raw numbers is even more dramatic. The total number of marriages in the year 2000, for example, was 2,355,005—including the states that don’t report divorce numbers. Of that number, there were 957,200 divorces, which is 40.6%—but again, excluding the states that don’t report divorce numbers (and California is a big state!). Another interesting statistic I found was that as of the year 2000, there were close to 20 million divorced people in America. By gender, it was: 8,572,000 males and 11,309,000 females (10.2%).
One other statistic, which actually is not about divorce specifically but is another indication of America’s moral decline, is that as of the year 2000, there were 3.5 million couples cohabiting outside of marriage. Two years later, that number grew to 5.5 million, which obviously translates to 11 million people living in open sin outside of marriage.
One of the
biggest controversies in Christianity is, and always has been, what about the
Christian and divorce? Differing views abound. Some say, “There are absolutely
no grounds for divorce whatsoever.” Others say, “There is only one ground and
that is adultery (Matt. 19:9).” Still others maintain, “There are two grounds,
adultery and desertion.” Then, of course, there is argument over whether or not
a divorced person is allowed to remarry, and on it goes.
Why even
bring up this matter at this point in our study of the home? The reason we do
so is because it has direct bearing on our text, that God has designed that a
man and a woman be joined (glued, cemented) together.
Certainly the dissolution of marriage, therefore, has something to do with
marriage, so we need to deal with it. Christians need to understand what God
says about this subject because even Christians are ending up in divorce court.
We cannot be exhaustive here, but we will endeavor to offer the most important
aspects of the issue. If the reader desires more study, we have listed some
additional reading at the end of the chapter. Let us look at five major areas.
I. God’s Attitude Toward Marriage
Of course,
we have already examined much of God’s attitude toward marriage in previous
studies, but we reemphasize it here because one of the main reasons there is so
much controversy over divorce is because many people do not understand
marriage. Marriage was designed by God to be a one-time act between a man and
woman that was never to be dissolved. Remember: The couple enters a lifetime
covenant of companionship. As Matthew 19:5-6 declares, a man and woman become
one by God’s action and no man is supposed to tear that apart.
Marriage
is so sacred, in fact, so holy, so revered in God’s design that the penalty for
adultery in the Mosaic Law was death (Lev. 20:10). May we emphasize strongly
here that we should note that fact very carefully because it is at the very
heart of whole issue because it was the sole reason that God allowed divorce.
II. God’s Attitude Toward Divorce
Since God
loves marriage, does that then mean he hates divorce and that all divorce is
sin? Well, “yes” and “no”! In Malachi 2:13-16 we read that God does, indeed,
hate divorce. It is a terrible thing to God because it destroys the most
beautiful of His creations. We need to point out, however, that God hates what
causes divorce and hates what results from divorce, but He doesn’t
hate the people involved in divorce.
May we remember, any divorce is caused by sin in the life of either one or both
partners. So, divorce in itself is not always sinful even though sin is what
causes it.
As we will
see in a moment, God does allow divorce in certain circumstances. Of course,
there are many who passionately disagree with that viewpoint. Such sincere folks
say such things as, “All divorced people are sinning,” or, “Divorced people can
never really serve the Lord effectively,” or, “No divorced person can ever
remarry.” Well, may we lovingly submit, God never said any of those things. We
also interject that such attitudes completely ignore the fact that God, and we
say this with all reverence, is “divorced.” Jeremiah 3:8 clearly states that
because of Israel’s “spiritual adultery,” that is, her entering into pagan
idolatry, God divorced her. That might shock the reader, but that is what
Scripture declares. Why is the Church called the bride? Because Israel
is the divorced wife. So we say again, not all divorce is sin even
though sin is what causes all divorce.
Deeper
still is the fact that even sinful divorce (that is, divorce obtained on
unscriptural grounds) can be forgiven like any other sin. I have heard people
talk as though divorce were the “unpardonable sin.” I have heard people say
that no matter what the situation or grounds, any divorce is sinful and beyond
forgiveness. Again, God never said any such thing. Yes, divorce damages
everyone it touches, it leaves deep scars, and in some ways it brings lasting
consequences, but it can be forgiven.
III. What Exactly Is Divorce?
Simply
stated, divorce is the dissolution of the covenant of companionship. Notice
that we did not say the breaking of the covenant, but the dissolution
of the covenant. The covenant can be broken by adultery, for example, but it
takes something else to dissolve the official contractual agreement. A marriage
begins with an exchange of vows and promises; likewise, divorce can come when
those vows and promises are broken. More precisely, as marriage is a formal,
contractual agreement, divorce also is initiated formally and contractually.
For example, adultery (as we will discover) breaks the covenant, but it does
not automatically constitute divorce; rather, the adultery constitutes the grounds
for the divorce.
This
brings us to the term “bill of divorcement,” which appears in Deuteronomy
24:1-4. The “bill of divorcement” was a formal, legal act that dissolved the
covenant of companionship and involved three steps. First, the bill of
divorce had to be written. The word “divorce” here means “cut off.” Unlike
pagan divorces, which were merely verbal, Moses prescribed that divorce had to
be written. History also tells us that there had to be witnesses. Second,
the bill had to then be personally served, that is, placed into the person’s
hand. These first two steps were actually for gaining time; they could not be
accomplished impulsively. This, then, gave both parties time to think about
their actions and so others could even give them counsel. Third, the
divorced person had to be sent out of the house. This leads us to our third
thought.
The heart of this situation, and I believe the very heart of the whole issue of divorce, is found in the question that the Jesus’ disciples asked in Matthew 19:7: “Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?” In other words, why did Moses even allow divorce if God hates it so much? Jesus answered that God allowed Moses to permit divorce because of His peoples’ “hardness of heart” (vv. 7–8), and that it was permissible only in the case of adultery (Matt. 5:31–32). Moses did this for one very good reason, and this is, indeed, the crux of the issue. The penalty for adultery under the Law was death, but adultery had become so rampant among the Israelites—due mostly to the sexual practices the pagan worship they had adopted—that had penalty been carried out, most (if not all) of the nation would have been annihilated. In other words, in His mercy and grace, God allowed DIVORCE instead of DEATH! God’s law had to be met one way or the other, so Moses allowed divorce. Again, as mentioned earlier, God did this with the entire nation—instead of putting her death, He divorced her for spiritual adultery (Jer. 3:6-8).
It is, therefore, clearly impossible to say (as some ancient rabbis and some Christians today claim) that Scripture recognizes no grounds at all for divorce and remarriage. It most certainly does. God does not give us illustrations of His behavior that He then forbids us to imitate. If He divorced His own people for prolonged unrepentant idolatry and spiritual adultery, it cannot be wrong for a man or woman to divorce a continually adulterous and unrepentant spouse after long tolerance of that behavior. Why?—Because there is nothing more destructive to the sanctity of marriage or more devastating to the intimacy and trust of that relationship than adultery. If God held to His law without mercy, millions would die. Instead, He mercifully allows divorce for the betrayed and shattered spouse. In contrast, if Christians divorce for any other reason, both must remain unmarried or be reconciled to each other, as Paul makes clear in I Corinthians 7:11.
IV. The Much Debated “Exception Clause”
Because of
the pivotal nature of Matthew 19:3-9, we will quote the passage:
The Pharisees also came unto him, tempting him, and saying unto him, Is it lawful for a man to put away his wife for every cause?
And he answered and said unto them, Have ye not read, that he which made them at the beginning made them male and female,
And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother, and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?
Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.
They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?
He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives: but from the beginning it was not so.
And I say unto you, Whosoever shall put away his wife, except it be for fornication, and shall marry another, committeth adultery: and whoso marrieth her which is put away doth commit adultery.
It is, of
course, our Lord Who is speaking here and He could not have made the matter any
clearer. The Pharisees had legalized divorce for almost any reason and they
here try to “trip up” Jesus as they often attempted to do. It’s vitally
important to see that Deuteronomy 24 is being referred to here. Again, both
passages show that Moses allowed divorce for one reason and that was adultery.
As just mentioned, God chose to be merciful instead of carrying out the death
penalty on most of the nation. This is, in fact, the picture in John 8:7 where
we read about the woman taken in adultery. According to the Law she should have
been stoned, but the Lord in His mercy forgave her. So then, one Biblical
ground for divorce is adultery. This simply cannot be denied by anyone who is
truly honest in His examination of Biblical language and history.
Now, there
are some Bible teachers who insist that the “exception clause” refers to
“betrothal,” the engagement period. The view argues that if during the
engagement period a man found his fiancée to be impure, he would write her a
bill of divorcement. But, frankly, this opinion is clearly incorrect, both
grammatically and historically. First, the passages in Matthew and
Deuteronomy are without question describing people who are already married. To
argue that is silly. Second, the Greek porneia is behind the word
“adultery.” As we’ve seen in a previous study, porneia refers to any
sexual sin, so sexual sin within marriage is included. Forcing porneia
to mean only pre-marital sexual sin is just poor exegesis. Third, as we
noted earlier, God divorced Israel for her adulterous behavior. This fact alone
is a devastating blow to the “engagement theory.” Fourth, if the Lord
Jesus were speaking of engagement, He would then be adding to the Law and no
longer commenting on the Law as He was originally asked to do. The Pharisees
asked about a husband and wife, not betrothed individuals.
There are
some sincere folks who feel that allowing divorce for any reason is a loosening
of Christian morals. But we submit that the exact opposite is true! By pointing
out an exception, Jesus presents something that actually tightens morality
among God’s people.
There are
also some folks who feel this position shows a low regard for marriage. We
again submit that the very opposite is true. This view of adultery being a
Biblical ground for divorce actually shows a higher regard for marriage than
the view that says God never allows divorce. We must take this view when we realize what a terrible violation of
the covenant of companionship adultery is! Marriage is the most sacred thing
God has ever created, and for a man or a woman to violate that through adultery
is the most wicked and despicable thing they could do.
Not only
has the person lied by breaking a vow of fidelity, but he or she has taken
God’s most sacred creation and dragged it through the cesspool of the world.
That person has destroyed the most beautiful relationship in existence simply
because he or she could not control their lust. Dear Christian, I for one could
not have a higher view of marriage.
The
question that arises at this point is, “What about forgiveness and
reconciliation?” Indeed, these are preferred and we strive to bring them about.
But may we also look at the matter realistically. First, this forgiveness and reconciliation implies that the sinning
party wants forgiveness and reconciliation. Often this is not the case, so the
innocent party, according to some teachers, must forever be destined to live
unmarried and, therefore, suffer for someone else’s sin. Second, this forgiveness and reconciliation means that the innocent
party can truly forgive, that they will not bring the matter up again, and that
they fully trust their spouse as they once did. Obviously all that is extremely
difficult to do and often will not happen at all. Adultery destroys trust.
We say
this because, may we repeat, adultery is the most hideous and despicable
violation of the marriage relationship that there is. It will destroy a
marriage more effectively than anything else can, and that destruction will
more often than not be beyond reconstruction. What is left in a marriage when
trust is gone?
V. What About Remarriage?
We now
consider the teaching of the Apostle Paul concerning this matter of divorce.
This teaching is found in I Corinthians 7:10-15. In verse 10 we read: “And unto
the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from
her husband.” Once again we are told of God’s ideal—no divorce. Paul does not
mention the “exception clause,” but there was no reason for him to do so since
Christ gave it and accepted the Old Testament exception, and that exception
would have been well-known in the Church.
Verse 11
goes on to tell us: “But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be
reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife.”
Christians are obviously being addressed here since Paul gives a “command” (or
instruction); he never did this when addressing lost people. The truth here, as
noted earlier, is that if a couple is divorced for any reason other than
adultery, they either remain unmarried or are reconciled to one another. We
then come to verses 12-14:
But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away.
And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him.
For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.
This
section declares quite clearly that a saved spouse must stay with the lost
spouse if the lost one desires it. Finally, we read in verse 15: “But if the
unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage
in such cases: but God hath called us to peace.” The word “bondage” speaks of
the bond of marriage, the covenant of companionship. Just as death breaks the
bond, so the departing of the lost partner releases the saved partner from the
bond of that covenant.
So then,
we see here that there is actually another ground for divorce, namely,
desertion by an unsaved spouse. Therefore, the “innocent party” in this case
(or in the case of adultery) is free to remarry. Now, we have heard people say,
“There is no such thing as the ‘innocent party.’” But is not that statement
ridiculous? Indeed, no one is perfect; no one is without fault in marital
conflicts. But we submit than an adulterous person has only himself (or
herself) to blame. No matter what the provocation, adultery is sin and destroys
whatever is left in a marriage. There is no excuse for adultery! The person who
is not guilty of adultery or desertion is, indeed, innocent. That party did not
commit the most grievous sin of a marriage and is no longer bound to that
marriage. We emphasize again, if God still enforced His law, the adulterer
would be stoned, and that would most certainly release the innocent party.
We could
go much deeper in our study, but we will refrain. Others have done a better job
than I. But may we conclude that divorce is truly a tragic reality in our day.
It is, indeed, a scourge. Divorce should be avoided as long as there is hope of
reconciliation. It is to be the last resort when the grounds are Biblical and
if reconciliation is impossible. How tragic it is that divorce is so prevalent
among Christians! Christians are as guilty as lost people when they have a
problem and just go out and get a divorce instead of simply obeying God’s Word.
This makes about as much sense as cutting off one’s arm because he has a
splinter in his finger!
What,
then, is the cure? Well, the cure is not to be found in pop-psychology. The
answer is preaching that proclaims God’s standards and duties, and husbands and
wives who yield to those principles. Divorce among Christians is a disgusting
thing not only because it not only shows the problems within the marriage, but also
shows a complete rejection of what God says about marriage. Mark it down;
Christians who divorce have disobeyed God in one or more areas of the marriage
relationship. Oh, may each family member obey God’s standards for the family!
In
closing, may this chapter of our study not be the “low point” of our study of
the home. May it instead be all the more motivation for obeying what we have
already studied and what still lies ahead. May our marriages never be part of
the scourge that infects the Church today.
Additional Reading
We would
recommend the following books on the issue of divorce:
·
Jay
Adams, Marriage, Divorce, and Remarriage (Grand Rapids: Baker Book
House, 1981).
·
Spiros
Zodhiates, May I Divorce and Remarry? (Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers,
1984).
·
Spiros
Zodhiates, What About Divorce? (Chattanooga, TN: AMG Publishers, 1984).