43
What Is
Marriage?
Ephesians
5:22a and 25a
Wives . . . Husbands . . .
In
previous chapters we have examined the foundation of the home by studying the
meaning, manifestations, and means of being filled with the Holy Spirit.
Spirit-filling, or as we also paralleled in Colossians, Word-filling,
must be the very foundation of the Christian home. We are now prepared to
examine the specifics Paul gives concerning the Christian home. In the verses
that follow (5:22-6:4) Paul writes of the responsibilities of each family
member.
Every
family consists first of a husband and a wife, that is, a man and a woman. The
whole notion of homosexual marriage is so ridiculous that it doesn’t even
deserve refutation. While it is more and more accepted in our day as various
states legalize it, there can be no argument whatsoever that it is not God’s
standard for a family.
We,
therefore, ask the question, “What exactly is marriage.” It is vital that we
know the answer to this before we can ever understand the home in general or
the responsibilities God has given to each family member. Let us look,
therefore, at the contrast between the world’s view of marriage and God’s view.
I. The World’s View of Marriage
To say the least, many marriages are not happy, fulfilling, or rich. As
the story goes, a certain little seven-year-old
girl who had just seen the movie Cinderella was testing her neighbor
lady’s knowledge of the story. The neighbor, anxious to impress the little
girl, said, “I know what happens at the end.” “What?” asked the girl.
“Cinderella and the prince live happily ever after.” But the little girl
answered, “Oh no, they didn’t. They got married!”[1]
While that
brings a smile to our faces, it is tragically true in many marriages.
Why?—because they are not based upon the truth of Scripture. There truly is nothing on earth
that has come under more direct assault, both historically and contemporarily,
than has the institution of marriage. This fact can be seen in four ways.
The Jewish Attitude
Concerning Marriage
In Jewish
culture a wife was quite literally considered to be the property of her husband
and was certainly not an equal. In his morning prayer, a Jewish man
would often give thanks that God had not made him “a Gentile, a slave or a
woman.” Women never ate with
the men in the home; the husband and sons would eat first and the wife and
daughters would wait for what was left. Husband and wife never walked arm in
arm, rather the wife walked behind the husband. Things such as pitching and
striking tents, packing and unpacking household goods, and tending flocks were
the duties of the women.
The provision God gave for divorce in Deuteronomy 24 had been so distorted by liberal Rabbis that a man could divorce his wife for any offense he chose: adultery, spoiling his dinner by putting too much salt in his food, walking in public with her head uncovered, talking with men in the streets, speaking disrespectfully of her in-laws in her husband’s hearing, or if she was just quarrelsome.
There
were, of course, exceptions to all this. We see deep affection between Jacob
and Rachel (Gen. 29-30), and Abraham treated Sarah like a queen. But such
examples were the exceptions, not the rule.
At this
point some of us might be tempted to say, “What a terrible thing to be taught
in the Bible!” But this is NOT taught in the Bible. The Bible only records
these attitudes; It does not condone them. Such attitudes are certainly
not God’s guidelines for marriage.
The Greek Attitude
Concerning Marriage
The
attitude of the Greeks was even worse than that of the Jews. There was no
divorce among the Greeks, but then again there was no reason to have it. The
wife was only for giving legitimate children, and most sex was outside of
marriage. Female and male prostitution was unbelievably rampant. Men got most
of their sexual gratification from mistresses and prostitutes. Women, often
with encouragement from their husbands, found gratification with their slaves,
male and female. The Greek word porneia, from which is derived our
English word “pornography,” clearly explains the Greek attitude. The feminine
word pornē literally means “harlot for hire,”
and the masculine pornos literally means “male prostitute.”[2] Porneia came to refer to
any sexual perversion: 1. Fornication, sex outside marriage; 2. Adultery,
extra-marital sexual relations; 3. Homosexuality and lesbianism, sex among
members of the same gender; 4. Paedophilia, the sexual abuse of children. All
of this was an everyday reality in Greece.[3]
The Roman Attitude
Concerning Marriage
It seems
that the Romans combined the worst from both the Jews and the Greeks. Divorce
was common practice in the later years of the Roman Empire and was easily
accomplished. Jerome, the 4th and 5th Century Bible
scholar, recorded that one woman married her twenty-third husband and that she
was his twenty-first wife!
Feminism
(women’s liberation) developed in the Empire. Women didn’t want children
because it ruined their bodies. Women wanted equality with men, so they
demanded “marriage contracts” “open marriages,” and often even initiated
divorce. The women also did masculine things such as wresting, sword throwing,
and running bare-breasted while hunting wild boars.
The Modern Attitude
Concerning Marriage
Are not
today’s views of marriage much like the ones we have just seen historically? We
see the same sexual promiscuity and perversion today that existed in the Greek
world. Prostitution is rampant and is even legal in many places. Homosexuality
and lesbianism are accepted as “alternate life-styles” even in some
denominations of “Christianity.” Pre-marital and extra-marital sex are accepted
norms. And paedophilia is a horrible and tragically common occurrence. Marriage
and family are no longer sacred and central. People live together outside of
marriage, some of whom are even professing Christians. Children are not wanted
because it cuts down on people’s freedom, so babies are murdered in the womb
and people are voluntarily sterilized. Many women today are demanding their
“rights” and end up in the work force outside the home, some of whom even end
up in masculine occupations and even the military battlefields.
And, of
course, the divorce rate is rampant in our society. So, we say again, there
truly is nothing on earth that has come under more direct assault, both
historically and contemporarily, than has the institution of marriage. Let us
now turn to the positive.
II. God’s View of Marriage
We need to
examine several things here. We’ll do so under three headings: the meaning,
motives, and model of marriage.
The Meaning of Marriage
Before we
can understand precisely what marriage is, we must consider what it is not.
First, sexual
relations do not constitute marriage. It is a common misconception that sexual union constitutes
marriage. But if this is true, then fornication is actually an “informal
marriage” and adultery is actually “bigamy” (or polygamy). But the Word of God
says no such thing. It speaks of these things as being outside of marriage. For
example, Joseph is clearly called Mary’s husband even though it is explicitly
stated that they had not yet joined in sexual union (Matt. 1:25). May we also
add, neither is a marriage “consummated” by sexual union on the honeymoon as is
often maintained. If that were true, then the pastor was in all reality lying
when he said, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.” Rather, as we’ll see in a
moment, a marriage is consummated when the couple exchanges vows and enter a
covenant relationship.
Second, marriage
was not instituted primarily for procreation. Some folks believe that the main purpose of marriage is to
propagate the human race in a respectable fashion. But may we put the matter
this way: marriage is more than mating. Though procreation is one of the duties
of marriage (assuming both persons are physically capable of having children),
this procreation could have been accomplished without marriage.
Simply
stated, God’s Word speaks of marriage as “The Covenant of Companionship.” Let
us fully explain this wonderful principle.
Marriage
is indeed the most natural and the most likely step a person will take in his
(or her) life. We say this for two reasons, both of which are based upon
Genesis 2:18: “And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be
alone; I will make him an help meet for him.”
We will
return to the term “help meet” a little later, but the first reason that marriage
is the most natural and the most likely step a person will take is that it is
not good for a man to be alone. God says that the “single life” is not good.
Adam was lonely in the Garden, so God gave him a companion.
The second
reason is because the woman was created for the man. Oh, how upset people get
today when that statement is made! A cross reference here is I Corinthians
11:8-9, which we will study in our next chapter: “For the man is not of the
woman; but the woman of the man. Neither was the man created for the woman; but
the woman for the man.” This does NOT imply inferiority or servitude on the
part of the woman; it does not imply that she is to be at her husband’s
beckoning call or that she must satisfy his every whim. What this says is that
the women’s purpose in being created was to be the man’s companion, one with
whom he can share everything.
This is
also seen in the fact that a woman takes the man’s name when she marries him.
Does the Bible teach this? Indeed It does. Genesis 5:1-2 declare:
This is the book of the generations of Adam. In the day that God created man, in the likeness of God made he him; Male and female created he them; and blessed them, and called their name Adam, in the day when they were created.
Notice
that God called them, not just him, Adam. From the very beginning, the
woman was a “covenanted companion” with her husband, to the point of taking his
name. While some woman today resent this practice and keep their “maiden” name
or hyphenate their maiden name with their husband’s name, they apparently miss
the fact that their maiden name is also another man’s name—their father’s
name. They are not only silly but are rebellious against God’s design.
This is
further seen in what name Adam gave Eve. As Adam was naming all the animals, he
did not name them without meaning. Names in the ancient world were much more
significant than in Western culture. Adam actually gave here two names.
The first was “woman” (Gen. 2:23), which is the Hebrew Ishshah, which
Adam himself defines as “taken out of Man.” The second name was “Eve,” which is
the Hebrew Chavvah, which Adam again defines, “the mother of all
living.” What a truth this is! Every wife is both an Ishshah who is
dependent on man for her living, and a Chavvah on whom every man is
dependent for his life.
Are there
not exceptions to this? Does not God’s Word talk about people remaining single?
Yes, this is mentioned in Matthew 19:11-12 and I Corinthians 7:7. We find in
those verses that there are some whom God leads and empowers to never marry so
that they can more fully devote themselves to the Lord’s work.
Paul was
certainly one of those. He was either never married, was widowed, or as some
speculate, his wife may have divorced him when he chose to preach the Gospel.
However, this
choosing and empowering to remain single also means that a person can live
happily and satisfied, and that he or she can live without loneliness or
thoughts of sex and marriage. This principle discounts a lot of the “singles
craze” which is prevalent today. Many Christians who think they are supposed to
remain single for some reason or another are often actually quite lonely and
miserable. In addition, there are many who remain single, not to serve God, but
because it better suits their career choice. This tendency is seen more and
more among young women today. It is in light of these facts, and because there
is very little practical detail given in Scripture, that we must conclude that
this “celibacy” is extremely rare.
The
“celibacy” of Roman Catholicism, for example, is pagan in its origin and is, in
most cases, a pretense and facade. Frankly, the Roman Catholic Church wants to
bury the facts that have been uncovered concerning pregnant nuns and sexually
active priests. May we see that God’s norm, God’s rule that has few exceptions,
is marriage.
So then,
the essence of marriage is companionship. May we put the matter this way:
Marriage is a formal covenant (a formal agreement or promise)
between a man and a woman to become each other’s loving companion for life.
Malachi
2:14 addresses Jewish men with the words, “She [is] thy companion, and the wife
of thy covenant.” The context speaks of the seriousness of divorce and the
breaking of the covenant between husband and wife. What is a companion? A
companion is one with whom we are united in goals, values, affections, and, in
the case of marriage, even body. So, when the “covenant of companionship” is
made, each partner promises to love the other with an agape love (a
self-emptying self-sacrifice), to take away each other’s loneliness, to meets
each other’s sexual needs, to honour and be faithful to the other, to bear
children, and many other things as well. How important it is that marriage vows
contain these principles. The one’s we use today may be traditional, but they
are not entirely Biblical. Where needed, we should not hesitate to rewrite
these vows. This is just one more area which should be covered in in-depth
premarital counseling.
The Motives for Marriage
The story is told of a newly hired cub reporter whose editor gave him the basic, classic instructions that he should always find out the answers to the five important questions for every news story: Who, What, When, Where, and Why. He then added, however, “Almost always. The only newsworthy story for which you never ask ‘Why’ is a wedding.”[4]
While that seems to be good advice nowadays, God has given at least four very specific motives, or reasons, for marriage.
To Provide Companionship
All that
we have seen brings new meaning to the words “an help meet for him” in Genesis
2:18, which many Christians do not really understand. The literal idea here is
“a helper suitable for him.” Originally, “help meet” was two words; today we
consider it one, for the most part. “Help” meant what our word “helper” means,
while “meet” literally meant “appropriate to, corresponding to, or
approximating at every point.” So then, God made man a helper, a helper who
approximates him, a helper who is appropriate and suitable for his needs.
I sure identified with a sign in a wallpaper and paint store
that read, “Husbands choosing colors must have note from wives.”[5]
How true that is for me! If it’s not blue, then I don’t really care. If it
weren’t for my wife’s knowledge, my clothes would never be coordinated. And
that’s just one area in which she is a helper who is appropriate and suitable for my needs. One
Christian writer says it well:
As a result of the creation order, men and women are oriented to one another differently. They need one another, but they need one another differently. The man needs the help; the woman needs to help. Marriage was created by God to provide companionship in the labor of dominion.[6]
Now couple
this principle with the term “one flesh,” a term we find in Genesis and further
along in Ephesians 5. This term does not only refer to sexual union, though
this is involved. One way to think of this is in light of our word “everybody.”
When we say, for example, “Everybody went to the church picnic,” we do not
refer to literal “bodies,” but rather to everyone, that is, every
person. That is what the Hebrew means. For example, when God says He will
“destroy all flesh,” He doesn’t mean skin, bones, and so forth. He means that
He will destroy every person. So, “one flesh” means one person, a whole person,
a complete person.
May we see
in all this the fact that before marriage each of us was only half a person.
Commenting on Genesis 5:3, the famous Rabbi Simeon, one of the most
distinguished Jewish scholars of the 3rd Century, taught:
God does not make his abode in any place where male and female are not found together; nor are blessings found save in such a place, as it is written: “And he blessed them, and called their name Man on the day that they were created.” Note that it says them and their name, not him and his name. The male is not even called man until he is united with the female.[7]
While we
might disagree on a minor point, the main point is well taken—that one is
incomplete without the other. The man brings strength and leadership into
the “one person,” and the woman brings softness and other such qualities into
the “one person.” Each half of the person compliments the other half. How
foolish we are when we do not allow the qualities of our life mate to balance
us out. Have you ever wondered why God never puts two similar people to
together? Why is that? Because if He did, one of the individuals would be
unnecessary. Have you ever looked at your marriage and noticed that one of you
likes to get up early while the other likes to sleep late, that one of you
likes to stay up late while the other likes to go to bed early, that one of you
has a good sense of direction while the other can’t find north with a compass,
that one of you is a good bookkeeper while the other one isn’t, that one of you
is a slob and the other a neat freak? Why are these and many other contrasts
true? Because when you put the two halves together, you then get a whole
person.
Did you know that married people live longer? According to insurance statistics, the death rate for married men aged 25 to 34 is 1.5 per thousand; for single men it is twice as high—more than 3.5 per thousand. The difference is even greater as men grow older: In the 35 to 44 group, the death rate for married men is 3.1 per thousand; for unmarried it is 8.3. Among all women, the mortality rate for single females is almost twice that of women who are or have been married. Which could mean that, as one writer puts it, “the moral is: better wed than dead.” [8] That certainly stands to reasons, for a whole person will live longer than only part of a person.
At this point, it is appropriate to deal with an essential aspect of such companionship, namely, communication, without which a marriage is destined to failure. As we’ve seen several times, in chapters 1-3 Paul has presented doctrine, the grand themes of our salvation and wealth in Christ. Beginning in chapter 4, he then deals with our walk in Christ. As we’ve seen, one aspect of that walk is unity (4:1-16) and another is purity (v. 17-32). Those two sections lay an important foundation for the marriage. Obviously we want both unity and purity in a marriage. Further, and most appropriate, is that feature of the “New Man” spoken of in verse 25: “Wherefore putting away lying, speak every man truth with his neighbour: for we are members one of another.” While truth, openness, and honesty are essential in any relationship, nowhere are these more crucial than in a marriage. Again, without them, the marriage is doomed.
I read a vivid example of this. Tom and Jill sat across the desk from a Christian counselor. In the bitterest terms she could use she said, “I am absolutely certain that this husband of mine is cheating on me; he’s been stealing from his overtime pay. I know he’s been stealing money. And I want to know what he’s been doing with it.” She’d been holding this in for several months, ever since she first noticed the missing money. The result was her increasing anger and bitterness. Turning to the husband, the counselor asked, “Tom, where did the money go? Did you really take it?” He slowly reached into his pocket, pulled out his wallet, dug into a hidden compartment, and pulled out a wad of money. “It’s all here,” he said, as he threw it on the desk. “I’ve been saving for our anniversary for a special treat for Jill.”[9]
What a sad scene! Because of a lack of simple communication,
that wife threatened to break up that marriage. It is also significant that in
very next verse Paul declares, “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go
down upon your wrath.” As mentioned in our study of that verse, Paul alludes to Deuteronomy
24:10-13, which describes a law concerning lending. If a man gave his cloak as
a pledge for a loan, the loaner was required to give the cloak back when the
sun went down if it was needed for warmth. Verses 14-15 add that day-laborers
were to be paid before the sun went down because they lived day to day. “Wrath,” translates parorgismos,
a form of orgē that speaks of embitterment or
personal resentment. Paul knew that even righteous anger can degenerate, so he
added this admonition. Kept too long, even righteous anger can turn into a
personal resentment. Yes, conflicts will come, and we might get justifiably
upset with our spouse, but it must be dealt with before “the sun [goes] down;”
that is, we must not take it to bed; we deal with it and get it resolved. If we
don’t we are “[giving] place to the devil” (v. 27), giving him a foothold in
the relationship and inviting him in to destroy it, and nothing wourld please
him more.
This
“communicative companionship” is further seen as we read through the remainder
of Ephesians 4:
Let him that stole steal no more: but rather let him labour, working with his hands the thing which is good, that he may have to give to him that needeth. Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers. And grieve not the Holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake hath forgiven you.
If all
these are to be true of our relationship with every believer, how much more
appropriate they are in our marriages?
To Provide Sexual Protection
The key
passage here is I Corinthians 7:2-3:
Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband.
It is
fitting that this instruction appears in Paul’s letter to the Corinthian
believers. As mentioned earlier, among the Greeks most sex was outside of
marriage, and the Corinthian believers were in the thick of it. While Paul
deals with sins in the areas of attitude 1:10-4:21, the major attitudes
being pride and arrogance, in Chapter 5 he turns to the sins of action,
primarily in fact, with sexual sin. Such sin arose then for the same reason it
arises today, namely, humanistic education and amoral philosophy. Temple
prostitution, for example, actually glorified promiscuous sex. Such relations
were so common that the practice came to be called “Corinthianizing.” Many
believers had formerly been involved in such immorality, and it was hard for
them to break with the old ways and easy to fall back into them.
But more shocking and appalled to Paul was that there was actually a case of incest going on in the Church without anyone even objecting to it, much less disciplining for it. Even more appalling to Paul was the people’s pride in it; instead of mourning over it, they were “puffed up.” The Greek behind this expression phusioō, to inflate, blow up, to cause to swell up, from phusa, which means “bellows.” Just like a bellows fills up with air, so the Corinthians were filled up with pride. No doubt they were proud of their open-mindedness and what they thought to be “liberty in Christ.”
Later in the letter (6:12-20), Paul details three evils of sexual sin. First, Paul writes that is not “expedient” (v. 12a), that is, it’s unprofitable. No sin is more destructive than sexual sin. While it promises satisfaction, it ends u “bitter as wormwood, sharp as a two-edged sword” (Prov. 5:4). Second, Paul writes that he would not be “brought under the power of any” sin (v. 12b), and sexual sin is uncontrollable. Many a man has started with pornography and ended up not being able to have normal relations with his wife or even being transformed into a child molester. Third, Paul tells us that sexual sin is unconscionable, that it perverts beyond conscience. In verse 18 he warns that sexual sin is sin against our own body, a perversion of God’s intention for our body, which is the temple of the Holy Spirit for the Believer (v. 19-20).
Of all the
temptations, there is nothing more powerful than sexual lust. Entire
industries, in fact, are built upon that drive, prostitution as well as
pornography. God has, therefore, given us a way to deal with sexual temptation;
it’s called sexual activity within marriage. This activity is vital.
It’s also vital that it be quantitative for the man and qualitative
for the woman. It is for this reason that God says that each belongs to the
other so as to meet those physical and emotional needs.
To Provide the Means of Raising Godly Children
Again,
while procreation is not marriage, it is part of marriage, and it is godly
marriage that will provide godly children. The key passage here is Malachi
2:15-16:
And did not he make [them] one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away [i.e. divorce].
As noted
earlier, the Jews were plagued by divorce, so Malachi reemphasizes the oneness
of God’s design. And an essential reason for marriage is to raise and train the
next generation of Godly people. Further, he makes it clear that a fundamental
principle of raising Godly seed is for the husband never to “deal
treacherously” with his wife. The Hebrew here (bāgad) means to be unfaithful or to
betray.[10] The best way for a husband to
teach his children is for him to love their mother.
To Provide the Foundational Element of Human Society
Marriage
is not something man devised as a clever way to sort out the responsibilities
of men, women, and children. Rather, God designed it to be THE foundational
element of all human society. As mentioned in our “Introduction to the
Christian Home” back in 5:18, marriage is under tremendous attack and many are
trying to do away with it, but they have no right to do so because they didn’t
institute it! In fact, an attack on marriage and the family is actually an
attack on all of society. Why? Because each marriage is like an individual
brick in a house; the structure depends upon every single brick. Even though
the house will stand with a few missing bricks, the structure is still weakened
and is destined to collapse sooner or later.
Oh, it is
these that motives that make marriage the most beautiful and the most intimate
relationship on earth.
The Model for Marriage
There is
no better introduction to this passage in Ephesians than the Song of Solomon,
which provides a Biblical model for marriage. The title “Song of Solomon” that
appears in several English translations comes from verse 1, which states that
the book was written by Solomon. The ancient Hebrew versions, however, call it
“Song of Songs.” This title translates the superlative in the Hebrew,[11] as does “Holy of Holies” (Ex.
26:33-4. In other words, of the 1,005 songs that Solomon wrote, this is THE
song, the best of all.
Solomon’s
Song is a love story. Once in while a writer will pen a good love story, and
once in a great while a movie is made that tells a good love story
(instead of the typical lust story). But here is a real love story, one that
is beautiful and pure. While it’s not perfect, simply because people are not
perfect, it does serve as a perfect model. In light of the perversion of
love and marriage in our day, Hebrews 13:4 captures the heart of this love
story: “Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers
and adulterers God will judge.”
The two
principle characters in this story are Solomon, who is referred to as “the
Beloved” 32 times in the AV,[12] and the Shulamite maiden. While
her identity is uncertain, two possibilities stand out. One is that she was an
unknown maiden from Shulam, but there is no other mention of Shulam in the
Bible or the known extra-Biblical literature. Some interpreters say that is
simply another name for Shulem, located in lower Galilee, but that seems
conjectural.
The other
possibility makes more sense. In the Hebrew, “Shulamite” is actually the
feminine form (Shulammith) of Solomon (Shelomoh). As scholar
Augustus Strong points out, because the definite article is present, the term
is “a pet name.” In other words, having become Solomon’s wife, she took his
name, which was a common practice.
Solomon’s
Song has been variously interpreted. Both the allegorical and typological views
don’t approach it literally. In one way or another, they make the characters
and events mean something that’s not stated in the text. The most common idea
is that the whole story depicts God’s love either for Israel or the Church. The
Church, however, cannot possibly be in view because it was a mystery in Old
Testament times, hidden from the foundation of the world and not revealed until
the New Testament Apostles and Prophets (Rom. 16:25-6; Eph. 3:9). Even more
basic than that, however, nowhere in the book is God’s love the subject, rather
the love of a man and woman.
We should
also interject that such spiritualizing has caused hymn writers to refer to
Christ as the Rose of Sharon and the Lily of the Valley (2:1), but that is not
so; the Shulamite maiden used both terms of herself, considering herself as
common as those flowers. Solomon, however, disagreed in the next verse by
saying that she was not just any lily but “the lily among thorns.”
There is,
therefore, no justification whatsoever for viewing the book in any other way
than to take it at face value, to look at it in a normal, literal fashion. When
we do, we see in its three main sections Solomon’s days of courtship (1:2-3:5),
his wedding and early days of his first marriage (3:6-51), and the growth and
maturing of that marriage (5:2-8:4). While we might wonder how Solomon could
have been the author of this song when he indulged in the forbidden pagan
practice of polygamy (700 wives and 300 concubines, I Kings 11:3), the answer
is undoubtedly that this was his first marriage, as implied in Ecclesiastes 9:9:
“Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life.”
Why is
Solomon’s Song part of Scripture? Why put “a love story” in the Bible? One
commentator well sums up the purpose of this wonderful book:
The purpose of the book is to extol human love and marriage. Though at first this seems strange, on reflection it is not surprising for God to have included in the biblical canon a book endorsing the beauty and purity of marital love. God created man and woman (Gen. 1:27; 2:20-23) and established and sanctioned marriage (Gen. 2:24). Since the world views sex so sordidly and perverts and exploits it so persistently and since so many marriages are crumbling because of lack of love, commitment, and devotion, it is advantageous to have a book in the Bible that gives God’s endorsement of marital love as wholesome and pure.[13]
Let’s take
a brief look at this love story and compare its model with our own marriages.
In the opening words of the Song (1:2-4), it’s actually the physical side of
love that is mentioned first. The maiden speaks of her desire for the Beloved’s
physical affection and lists the physical features that attract her to him. The
desire for intimacy is clear. While marriage must be based on more than just
physical attraction, such desire is not only allowed, but is good and healthy.
In verses
5-8, the maiden speaks of herself as being “black.” The Hebrew here (shecharchoreth)
refers to “skin that is swarthy, darkened, in context, because of the sun’s
rays.”[14] She, therefore, feels that the Sun
has marred her complexion because she worked so much outdoors, in contrast to
the ladies in the palace. But here is, in fact, a key to her character—she’s
not afraid to work. Nonetheless, in her insecurity, she needs the Beloved’s
reassurance.
Another
key to her character are the words “why should I be as one that turneth aside?”
(v. 7). As Young’s Literal Translation phrases it, “For why am I as one
veiled?” Unlike Tamar (Gen. 38:14-16), this girl values purity and rejects the
veil (or any appearance) of the wandering prostitute. So important is
propriety, in fact, that she insists on specifying a particular place and time
for them to meet.
Solomon’s reassurance comes in verses 9-11. He calls her “my love” nine times, starting here in verse 9 and then in 1:16; 2:2,10, 13; 4:1,7; 5:2; 6:4. He compares here to “to a company of horses in Pharaoh's chariots.” While most girls today wouldn’t appreciate such a comparison, girls of that day would because no animal was considered more beautiful and graceful. Being poor, she doesn’t have jewelry, but he compliment her further that her “cheeks are comely with rows of jewels, [and her] neck with chains of gold.” Husbands, when was the last time you complimented your wife? Billy Sunday is quoted as saying, “Try praising your wife, even if it frightens her at first.”
In verse 12-14 the maiden speaks of the smell of her perfume that will reach the King as he sits on his throne. Scent plays a powerful role in physical attraction. She also pictures in her mind the intimacy of their sleeping together.
In verse 15, we see the couple looking into each other’s eyes and talking, a key to intimacy. The King compliments her eyes, calling them “doves’ eyes,” as doves are known for their tranquility and purity. Verses 16-17 reveal that they are lying on the grass together with the forest surrounding them. What a romantic setting!
Turning to chapter 2, in verse 1, as mentioned earlier, the maiden thinks of herself as only common flowers, a rose and a lily. What a contrast that is to today’s vanity and immodesty. In verse 2, however, as far as he is concerned, the King views all other women as thorns and her as the lily among them.
Staying with nature metaphor, in verses 3-6 she likens him “the apple tree.” Most guys today would frown at this one, but not in that day. This metaphor graphically pictured three aspects of love that are important to women. First, she says, “I sat down under his shadow with great delight,” which is a picture of protection. In contrast to her working in the brutal sun (1:6), in him she found rest. Second, she says, “His fruit was sweet to my taste,” which pictures provision. At the very foundation of a marriage is the husband’s providing for his wife’s needs, and she was secure in that. Third, she says “He brought me to the banqueting house, and his banner over me was love,” which pictures proclamation. He took her to the banquet hall to “show her off.” In essence he put a “banner” over her proclaiming that he was not ashamed of her or embarrassed to proclaim his love for her.
Today’s macho philosophy that says men are weak to show affection is not only unbiblical but also downright stupid. She was so taken by his affection, in fact, that she was “love sick” (v. 5), a common theme in Near Eastern love poetry. She needed physical strength not only from food (“flagons,” that is, raisons, and “apples”), but also emotional strength from his intimate embrace.
In light of the emphasis on the physical attraction that we have seen, verse 7 provides a control: “I charge you, O ye daughters of Jerusalem, by the roes, and by the hinds of the field, that ye stir not up, nor awake my love, till he please.” It’s not certain who the “daughters of Jerusalem” were, but some views include: ladies of the royal court, concubines in the royal harem, or all female inhabitants of Jerusalem. Whichever is correct, the point here is a warning against the arousal of uncontrolled sexual passion before the right time. Marital and premarital chastity are elsewhere encouraged in the Song (4:12; 8:8-12). Indeed, the most important thing a young lady can do to prepare for her future marriage is to stay pure.
The same is true, however, of a young man. In Proverbs 5-7, Solomon writes of what immorality will do to a young man, and it should be read often as a reminder. In 6:32-3 we read, “Whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away.” There’s no double-standard in God’s law. Both young ladies and young men should stay pure and wait for God to sanction intimacy with their spouse.
In verses 8-14, the maiden describes Solomon as a “roe or a young hart” (that is, a gazelle or deer) as he approaches. He’s attractive, strong, and agile, and is moving quickly because he can’t wait to see her. It’s springtime and they go for a walk. Everything they see—the flowers, birds, trees, vines—stimulates the senses and reminds them of the beauty of their love.
Verses 14-15 are very special: “O my dove, that art in the clefts of the rock, in the secret places of the stairs, let me see thy countenance, let me hear thy voice; for sweet is thy voice, and thy countenance is comely. Take us the foxes, the little foxes, that spoil the vines: for our vines have tender grapes.” Doves hide in the clefts of the hills to avoid detection. Solomon requests, then, that she come out and expose her entire self to him and hold back nothing. “Foxes” are always a sign of trouble, so anything that would spoil their relationship should be dealt with. How important this is in a relationship!
Verses 16-17 declare the very foundation of marriage, that each owns the other: “My beloved is mine, and I am his.” They look forward to their marriage when they can embrace “until the day break.”
In Chapter 3:1-4, the wedding is approaching and the maiden has a dream brought on by a fear of losing her Beloved. She looks everywhere, finally seeks him, and takes him to her mother’s house, the most secure place she knows. Verse 5 ends the courting section by another reminder against the arousal of uncontrolled sexual passion before the right time. The wedding was almost there.
Verse 6-11 describe the wedding procession, which customarily was led by the groom to the bride’s home, when then took her to their new home. There was then a wedding feast that lasted about a week. While the feast continued, however, the couple still consummated the marriage on the wedding night. We read the details of the wedding night in 4:1-5:1. Up to now, Solomon’s physical desire has been delicately phrased, but from here on it is open and explicit, which is totally appropriate for a married couple. He thoroughly describes her body (vs. 1-7), tells her that she has “ravished [stolen] his heart” (v. 9), calls her “sister” (a very affectionate term for one’s wife in the ancient Near East, v. 10), praises her for her virginity, a “closed garden” and “sealed fountain” (v. 12-14), and then enjoys her as, to again use her own delicate term, a “garden” (v. 16; 5:1). She reciprocates in verse 11 and enjoys him as well.
Starting in 5:2 and going through the rest of book, we see the maturing of the marriage. At first, however, we see a problem (verse 2-16). While intimacy, joy, and physical desire did not fade between the couple, the “little foxes” of 2:15 silently crept in. While some view this passage as a dream, it is more likely quite real. In either case, however, it is dramatic and teaches a very important lesson. Solomon is late coming home (which is a challenge to all husbands to avoid this whenever possible), and is looking forward to being with his wife. She, however, is already in bed and groggily answers, “I just don’t want to get up again.” So, he’s late, and she’s indifferent. Here is a challenge to every couple to take great care not to drift apart, not to take each other for granted.
Solomon doesn’t give up yet. He tries the door, but it doesn’t open, so he leaves. Finally realizing what she’s done, she flies out of bed and opens the door, but he’s gone. She even smells his scent on the door handle and is in total despair. She runs through the streets looking for him but can’t find him. Finally, she asks with the women of Jerusalem to help her look for him and if they find him to tell him that she is lovesick and miserable. “But what is so special about him that makes you so miserable?” they ask her. “Why is he any different then any other man?” This brings her back to her courting days, and she lists all the things about him that made her love him in the first place, ending with the words, “This is my beloved, and this is my friend.”
As Chapter 6 opens (vs. 1-3), the women then ask her, “Okay, where should we look?” Knowing him the way she does, it hits her, “Of course, he’s gone to his garden.” She goes to him and they are reconciled. Verses 4-10 are from his perspective. There is no bitterness and total forgiveness. He praises her and makes it clear that his love has not diminished since their first night together. Verses 11-13 are from her perspective. She is exhilarated to know that their love is still flourishing. She has no doubt that he loves her because he puts her in his chariot to make a public display of their reconciliation (v. 12). The women of the palace call to her as the chariot races by, and they can see her joy (v. 13).
The opening verses of Chapter 7 (1-9) record Solomon’s even more intimate description of his wife than the one on their wedding night, starting with her feet and going up from there. This demonstrates that physical intimacy between husband and wife is God given. Verse 6, in fact, declares that it is for our delight: “How fair and how pleasant art thou, O love, for delights!” In verse 10, she responds passionately, “I am my beloved's, and his desire is toward me.” She goes even go on to take the initiative in verses 11-13 by suggesting they go into countryside to be together. In 8:1-4 we see her desire for even greater intimacy. In the ancient Near East public displays of affection were frowned upon except by family members, so she playfully wishes that he were her younger brother so she could kiss him anytime she wished. In verse 3 she once again joyfully anticipates their next time together.
As the story nears its conclusion, we read of the nature of true love in verses 5-7. First, true love is a seal. A seal is a symbol of ownership, and she wants it to be clear that she belongs to no one else. Second, true love is strong, as “strong as death,” in fact. Both are irresistible. Third, true love is singular. She knew how harmful jealousy is and hoped that he never gave her reason to be jealous by looking at other women. Fourth, true love is sensual; it is passionate, as “coals of fire” and “vehement flame.” And fifth, true love is supreme. Verse 7 concludes: “Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it: if a man would give all the substance of his house for love, it would utterly be contemned [i.e. despised].” Nothing can quench true love and nothing is more valuable. Are these principles true in our marriages?
The closing verses (8-14) are a reminiscence of how it all began. How important this is for all couples to do! She remembers her brothers protecting her when she was a little girl and encouraging her to stay pure. She could either be “a wall” that would resist all men who wanted her only for sex, or she could be “a door” that would allow anyone entrance. She remembers, however, that she chose to be a wall. She then remembers meeting Solomon in a vineyard that he had leased out to her brothers. It was there that she fell in love with him. Verses 13-14 recall the early days of the courtship and show that the passion of those days is still alive and well. Whenever he is gone from home, she says, “Make haste, my beloved” to come back to me so we can be together.
Solomon’s Song is a beautiful picture of the “covenant of companionship” that God
designed marriage to be. It exalts the personal characteristics of a man and
woman on which a marriage is to be based. But the Song is also a graphic
testimony of God’s endorsement of physical love between husband and wife. It is
a relationship in which there is to be total openness, enduring romance, and
lasting passion.
We’ll
close with a story that is told of William Jennings Bryan (1860-1925), the
great American lecturer and political leader, who was also a devoted Christian
and defender of the faith. While having his portrait painted, Bryan was asked,
“Why do you wear your hair over your ears?” Bryan responded, “There is a
romance connected with that. When I began courting Mrs. Bryan, she objected to
the way my ears stood out. So to please her, I let my hair grow to cover them.”
“But that was many years ago,” the artist said. “Why don’t you have your hair
cut now?” Bryan winked and answered, “Because the romance is still going on.”[15]
As we
prepare ourselves for Paul’s instructions to husbands and wives, I pray that
that each of our marriages will have continued romance.